My Family’s Money

Ninjas are normally really cool. They are from the mammalian family, they fight MOST, if not ALL, the time, and their sole purpose is to do stuff and kill people (source). Can you say awesome? But some other types of NINJAs are totally lame, don’t kill anything, and have absolutely no skills whatsoever. No, you won’t find these different types of NINJAs in any epic films and absolutely no one sends their three year old child to the hill country to train to be one. That’s because these NINJAs are people who have No Income and No Job (and no) Assests. You definitely don’t want to train your child to become one of these!

Here are some helpful hints for setting your kids straight about what type of ninja they should become when they grow up:

1. Real ninjas have discipline and can control things just by thinking about it with their minds. Lame NINJAs can’t even wash themselves properly. In order to teach your child to use their brain have them play Sudoku religiously. Once they can complete an evil puzzle in under five minutes you will know that despite their inability to take a shower they probably won’t end up as a NINJA.
2. Real ninjas have large skill sets while NINJAs complain about how cable TV costs so much. Train your child to do without the TV by not watching any yourself. Ever. Real ninjas absorb huge amounts of information by eating the world’s supply of floppy disks.
3. Ninjas are flexible and can vanish from the face of the earth in an instant. NINJAs can’t seem to evade collection agencies or get out from under heavy burdens of debt. It is important that children don’t overstretch themselves, but kids are so stinking flexible to begin with it shouldn’t take too much effort on your part to keep them that way.
4. Ninjas don’t need stuff to be happy or even to live. NINJAs always seem to be wanting more and more stuff and have no way to keep up with their wants. To ensure that you child doesn’t think the world revolves around them, have them play with wholesome wood toys and start learning a trade at age 5 – like they used to do a 1,000 years ago. You have to do things old-like if you want your kids to be ninja like.

This is intended to be more of a primer than an exhaustive list on how to train your child to be a ninja. If you were to only follow these tips you’ll at least save your child from being a NINJA, and that is definitely worth it.